The High Vibe Guide
You can feel happier! You can feel more positive, and it's so much easier than you think.
Whether you're a seasoned venturer or just starting out on your journey to radiating a more positive energy, my episodes will provide a wealth of inspiration, tools and wisdom to guide you in creating a more vibrant and positive life. It is possible. I have lived and breathed this journey. Let me explain how you can do it too.
The High Vibe Guide
35. PLONK-CAST#2 - Navigating the Mum-Juggle with Genevieve Turley
I don't know about you... But after a busy couple of months I've managed to land at the end of the summer holidays with a hefty amount of Mum-guilt. Luckily for me, I had the wonderful Genevieve Turley to set me straight.
This week marks my second PLONK-CAST, where I grab a guest (and a bevvie), and attempt to right a few more of those wrongs in the world! Join us for this heartfelt and relatable conversation, where we validate each other's struggles and share tips on how to remain present, even in the whirlwind of family life.
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Welcome to the High Vibe Guide, the podcast where I demystify the concept of raising our vibration. I'm Jenna, a yoga teacher, mum of three and passionate advocate for helping others to just feel happier. Let me explain to you how we can all live more contented and fulfilled lives, and how it's so much easier than you think. Welcome back, guys. Firstly, to all of my avid listeners, severe apologies for the lack of episodes last week. I was really ill coming back from Scotland and just could not get an episode launched that week. But I have something very exciting for you today. I've come back strong with my second plonk cast. So the first was with my sister and I got such great feedback from it. I have since then been planning on who to do another one with, and when I ran the idea past the lovely Genevieve Turley, professional makeup artist and Instagram influencer extraordinaire, I'm very happy to say she was keen. She was excited to join me for Plonkcast numero two.
Speaker 1:But before I get into today's episode, let me tell you something else. Soul circle is actually live. It is all systems going, guys, full steam ahead. Soul circle is finally up and running. You know, I've been building this platform for a long time now and people are now to SoulCircle, my new online yoga studio, your safe haven, your yogic sanctuary, to deepen and explore your yoga practice or to start a whole shiny new one from scratch. So I've built and designed SoulCircle for everybody, right from the beginner's beginners course on there all the way up to the more fiery vinyasa flows and posture breakdowns. But, most importantly, I wanted to build a space where everyone feels safe and comfortable and supported on their yoga journey.
Speaker 1:I think yoga in some parts of our western society has become intangible and even intimidating to a lot of people, and I want to break down these walls, and it's something I try to do daily through my teachings anyway. But it was really important when it came to building Soul Circle, and one of the features that I absolutely love from Soul Circle is the community feature. So not only can you send messages directly to me if you need help or guidance with anything at all regarding your own practice, but you can also connect with all the other members, whether that's sharing your own progress, providing motivation and inspiration or even just asking each other questions. You can post into the community chat or you can send your own private messages to each other. But I wanted to create this really supportive and inclusive environment where we can all help and uplift each other. So check it out. It's wwwsoulcircleuk. I've put the link in the notes of this episode, as well as your own very special discount code, for this week only, so when you go to wwwsoulcircleuk and you purchase the soul circle membership, use this code all capitals, sc, early bird, all one word. When you do that this first week of september, you will get 30 off your entire first year of membership with SoulCircle. Now people keep telling me not to give it away, which I'm not, but this is something that I wanted to do for my listeners, for my followers and for my current students, just to really show you that I am so incredibly grateful for all your support. It means the world to me and this is my way of saying thank you. So head over and go and check it out.
Speaker 1:So back to today's episode. When me and Jen spoke about the topics we wanted to cover today, she told me that all throughout her dms, the topic of mum guilt and the mum juggle just kept showing itself, and, seeing as this is nearly the last day of summer holidays for a lot of us, I thought it prime time to air this one today and, for those of you that haven't listened to my previous Plonkcast, I started creating these alongside my other episodes to provide a little bit of lighter entertainment let's say Some laughs, hopefully and a chance for myself and my guests to get a little bit more real, a little bit more relaxed into the conversation and a bit more vulnerable. A little bit more relaxed into the conversation and a bit more vulnerable. So we grab our favourite beverages and we sit and we attempt to right a few wrongs in the world. It's much more laid back and severely less professional than the norm that you're used to on the High Vibe Guide, but that's what these plonk casts are all about.
Speaker 1:So, without any further ado, please enjoy me and the forever entertaining genevieve turley. Have a good old chin wag at the end of the summer holidays. By the way, is it jen or genevieve? Oh, just call me jen. Just call you jen, jen. Welcome back to the high vibe guys. Just so, my oh, thanks. One jen to another. This is my second plonk cast, so jen is joining me with a bevy. What's your bevy of choice this evening, jen?
Speaker 2:I've got a gin and tonic with a slice of lemon and no ice because we'd run out, which is a bit devastating that is a bit devastating.
Speaker 1:Was the tonic cold? Yes, that was in the fridge, that's saving grace. What gin is it? Oh, gordon's, oh good old gordon's.
Speaker 2:I really like basic bitch like tesco's own tonic. Yeah, I think gordon's great. I really begrudge when you go to a pub and they give you fucking fever tree tonic, not that it's not nice but, it's like 20 pounds yeah just give me basic tonic chips chips. Stop charging me 20 000 pounds for a fancy slimline tonic. I don't want it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I've never, ever bought Fevertree out of my house. No, it's always just Sainsbury's own.
Speaker 3:I don't use it and I'm like, why have you?
Speaker 1:done that yeah.
Speaker 2:And Richie's like well, I've retired and I like nice suits.
Speaker 1:I put it in the gym.
Speaker 2:But it's mental to me. But we went to the pub on a date and Rich came back and was like well, I'm never buying you this drink again. I was like what I just asked for? Gin and tonic. He was like £15 that cost me just at our local pub fucking hell, was it a double?
Speaker 1:it was a double with fever tree £15 £15 at our local pub that's almost as bad as taking your kids to the fucking ice cream van, isn't it?
Speaker 2:I know, I know terrible mortgage like territory I've spent so much money on ice creams this morning, don't? I? Don't want to be that person when they ask for money and you go, how much? I know you have to practice your face, don't you? Just uh-huh uh-huh, uh-huh yeah, but the good news is that my kids are not the kind of kids to have two mouthfuls and then go. I've had enough.
Speaker 2:My kids will smash they all inhale the ice cream yeah, whereas my niece would have two mouthfuls and then be like I've had enough then that's just your ice cream I'm not sure as a hot well, as a whole, I have just smashed a bag of rebels, but as a whole I'm off sugar.
Speaker 2:So um yeah. So all the summer I've been around so much ice cream and I love ice cream and I've not had any. And then when I was with my niece I literally had a whole ice cream and was just walking around because I couldn't find a bin anywhere for about 10 minutes this thing was just dripping onto me did you struggle.
Speaker 1:Did you really want to eat the ice cream?
Speaker 2:well, my children were delighted because I kept being like lick, lick, lick. They were like can we just have it, can we just have it? And I was like, no, you've both got gigantic ice cream each. So why are you off the sugar? Because I've done a whole thing.
Speaker 2:Since I last spoke to you, I've, um, been working with a nutritionist because I was feeling, yes, yeah, yeah, totally exhausted all the time, like drained of everything, and I just couldn't get into a rhythm with making good decisions. I would just seem to just be making bad decisions with food like sugar. Basically, you know, if you're feeling low in mood and you've got no energy, you reach for the sugar more than anything. What I do, anyway, it makes it worse, yeah, which makes it worse, yeah, but you can't. It's like a horrible cycle that you're in and it's hard to break out of it. So I got in touch with this woman called zayna morris, who has just sort of held my hand a bit with getting back on track and has also popped me on things like magnesium oh, I love magnesium, so good, yeah, but then I'm also taking other supplements from a brand called happy mam's.
Speaker 1:It's just like um hormone oh yes, I saw your video you did on it.
Speaker 2:How's it going like so good really. Yeah, honestly, a combination of you know big changes in my diet. Yeah, I mean, basically I've cut out gluten because it kept. Anytime I ate gluten, my stomach would swell, like I'm eight months pregnant, and it was horrible and I felt uncomfortable. It was painful. I'm exactly the same. So I've cut it out, not got bloated amazing, so that was definitely a culprit. Um, it's, what she puts you on is essentially uh very high fat, low carb, yeah, and uh low sugar, but nothing's off, yeah, table so it's not like it's keto where you cannot carb.
Speaker 2:Yeah, no because I didn't. I said to her the word diet is triggering for me. I don't want a diet, I don't need a quick fix. My focus needs to be feeling better yes that you know. And yes, of course I want to lose a bit of weight because I obviously from that uh negative cycle I was putting on weight yes um, but I said the focus needs to be feeling better and then of course, the weight does just slowly come.
Speaker 2:I I mean, you know, I mean slow, it's very slow, but I'm feeling so way, though, when it's slow and um.
Speaker 2:What's nice is that, you know, she says I want you to live life and be happy. That's the whole point. So if I will go out for dinner and like, I went out for dinner with a girlfriend a few weeks ago, you know, and I had steak and salad and this delicious sauce and it was beautiful, like really gorgeous my friend had french fries with hers and I didn't. I ordered like extra mushrooms and tomatoes or something like that, and I didn't feel at all like I was missing out on anything and I had a glass of Prosecco, but that's all I had, you know, um, and then, you know, tonight I just fancied some chocolate, so I had it, but that's, that's that really. I don't, I don't pick, I don't snack. You, um, you don't snack because it's all about your don't give yourself sugar spikes and insulin yeah yeah, so, yeah, I feel so much better and also, I just feel that I'm on.
Speaker 2:This is a really. This is it now for me. I've worked out what works for me and what doesn't work for me, and psychologically, because nothing is off the table. Yeah, you are constantly making good decisions because you're like, well, you could have that, but do you? Do you really want it? No, actually I'm all right, you know where tonight I just went.
Speaker 1:Actually I really fancy some rebels yeah, isn't it so true, when you go on these like hard and fast diets and you restrict stuff, it makes it. That's when I would binge, because I'd go so one way yeah and then I'd go so hard the other way, but you binge.
Speaker 2:And then I find you fantasize about food and the binge you know, you saw that when I do?
Speaker 1:I'm gonna fantasize about the binge I still have that inbuilt in my brain. I have to really fight against it. Whenever I have a night to myself, my husband's not here, I think instantly all right, I'll get a movie. Oh, but it always involves energy loads of food. I've got to get out of this. It's not like it's not serving me. Do you know what I mean? It's weird how it's just it's there. It's a habit.
Speaker 2:I'm having to fight yeah, yeah, and I totally relate to that and I definitely feel that, um, that was part of my negative cycle as well. But now I just feel weird, like I've got I'm just making good decisions, and feel better from it, and definitely saw my skin. I mean, I've always had good skin but because for a period of time on this plan, you cut out sugar of every, you don't have fruit, you don't, you couldn't have like balsamic vinegar, you know it is right. You cut sugar right out. Proper detox, proper detox of sugar for about eight to ten days or something like that. Okay, but my, my skin instantly looked better really so interesting, isn't it?
Speaker 2:but it's a bit like if you drank loads of alcohol, you'd see on your. You know how, if you go on a hen party or something or a wedding weekend or something, you and if you're a drinker maybe you're drinking to excess on that weekend you see it in your skin, the same sugar really, but you just don't realize it yeah because, it's steadier.
Speaker 1:Maybe he's talked to you about your glaster experience, by the way that looks what I can remember of it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, on tour.
Speaker 1:The only, the only story I saw was it must have been after the first night there was a picture of you in bed and he's like all I can taste is tequila, and I slept in my makeup and I remember looking at you going.
Speaker 1:That looks so much fun. But you know, just the, I'm not very good at day drinking because it just makes me like hang over by the evening and I was like having to put more alcohol in me. But I guess, is it like you're in the situation it's like when it's well, I don't know, it's just like adrenaline spur you on I think I did the typical thing where I got really overexcited on the first night.
Speaker 2:Then the people I was with are hardcore, are they like my friend becky? She's just so hardcore. She could go till three, four in the morning, get up in the morning, go again and I'll be like are you not rough? And she's like, yeah, but if you, if you don't just get up and get on, you're faster. So you just got to get up and get on. She's just a machine. She'll put her face on, she'll put her makeup on. She's not ready to go. And I'll be like are you there or are you just telling?
Speaker 1:yeah, I'm just telling myself yeah, you know what that's so true, I've always looked at my husband because he's like that. He's like the best version of himself on a hangover. I'm like what the fuck is this? How are you so good when you're hungover and he's, he says the same. He's like you've just got to, because if you don't. I've just got to get up, get washed.
Speaker 2:Yeah, get in the shower, put an outfit on go for productive.
Speaker 1:He's so good with the kids and I tried this once. I just kept telling myself I've got this shit, I feel great, got it. Just do it. Busy, busy, busy and you do. You feel so much better than if you just sit on the sofa all day eating shit because you're so hungover. It's, it's all mindset but it was.
Speaker 2:There was something so nice about being hungover but not parenting like I was. I was lying in this bed because we went. Just for people who are listening to this. I went luxury yeah, I was in some fucking marquee with a chandelier and a proper bed and like fancy pants uh-huh, we can thank Becky for that. She treated me um and, and so I remember just lying in this bed eating pretzels, feeling rough but just going. Yeah, but I haven't got kids to do so. I'm actually just living my best life like I'm, so like I'm. I've woken up. There's three girlfriends near me, yeah we're just all.
Speaker 2:They went off and got coffees, came back. You know we're just sat there chilling. It was, it was brilliant.
Speaker 1:I did. Looking at your stories I got a real sense of like, oh that's, I'm jealous. Do you know what I mean?
Speaker 2:it was just so lovely being with the company that was with, and it was a random group. Um, it was a really random group in the sense of Becky was the glue that knew everyone and everyone kind of loosely knew everyone around her right, um, but just everyone just got on, gets on so well. You know, we'd all sort of met before, but not under these sort of circumstances of, like you know, really condensed time together and it was just so nice like everyone was just up for a good time. Um, no one went too mental, like no one was. I was the you know worst in the sense of going too hard, were you. It was the vodka night so it wasn't, it was the vodka night.
Speaker 2:Yeah, on the friday that was like fat boy, slim and everything right. I was just having a lovely time. But I just went in on the vodka and just lived my best life. Um, but you know, in the morning I had beer fear and I remember sitting at bowl by and becky was the only one awake and she was like oh my god, what's because? I was like, and she was like oh my god, what's the matter? What's the matter? And I was like I had beer fear and she was like you didn't do anything wrong. You didn't do anything wrong, like you've got nothing to be fearful of, and I was like that is the worst just yeah
Speaker 2:are you sure I was just like, are you sure I wasn't annoying? Because I was just like I just I just know I was drunk last night and so it was like a nightmare. And she was like no, she was like no, not at all, she was. You know, this is the thing. No one was so drunk that they were being sick or, you know, being an idiot or anything like that. Everyone. She just said you were just stroking my face going, just be right here right now, as fat boy was playing right here right now. She said she kept stroking my face, going just be right here, becky.
Speaker 2:Right now we're right, she's like I know.
Speaker 3:Jen, I know.
Speaker 2:I'm here.
Speaker 3:I'm right here right now. I love you too, love it um, I did.
Speaker 1:I really enjoyed looking at all your like your different makeup each day as well, the really black eyes I really liked. That was thank you.
Speaker 2:I still need to do a. Um, you do. I know there's a lot I need to do. I keep saying, yeah, I'll do that, I'll do that.
Speaker 1:So I have a yeah, I need to do that smoky eye, because everyone oh it was so good yeah, because we need to tutorial, because I always, like you know, it's the goop that you deal with when it all starts to gather yeah, this bit by your nose. We all need some some gen knowledge on the makeup smoky eye the.
Speaker 2:Thing with this. Smoky eye is you've just got to hold your nerve. Smoky eye, is you've just got to hold your nerve? Yeah, that's it.
Speaker 1:Oh, you've just got to hold your nerve and just be bold. Okay, be bold and blend. Bold and blend. Okay and blend, be bold and blend right. You've got your bevy, I've got mine. Plonk cast is all about right in the wrongs of the world a little bit. I think we, when we spoke before about doing this, we were trying to think about what people might like to listen to us. Nag on about no, that's not the right word. Nag on about what am I starting to say? Chin wag, wag on about. I don't want to say that doesn't make sense. Wag on, wag on about.
Speaker 1:You said a big thing for you and your in your dms was especially summer holidays, like the mum juggle, jiggle, juggle, jiggle, juggle glasses already, um, the mum juggle, mum guilt, and I think that just ties in really well with this time end of summer holidays, because I know I'm going to kick off an experience from today. So this summer holidays, we're near the end. I've been quite busy with work, so I am. I've been building my own online yoga studio now for the last about 10 months or so and, with my youngest not being at school yet until next week, it's been tough because it's trying to fit a lot of time into the time that obviously I haven't got all the kids.
Speaker 1:My mum, like we're saying I was saying before to you, my mum is very good, she, she's involved, she does have them a lot, but it's still. It's always just still tough, isn't it? Balancing work when you've got a lot on and being mum. No-transcript, 8th September, worrying. I had to really think then and I can never remember when my middle child's birthday is and I feel awful, it's like that's so, middle child, but I always think mine are the 6th or the the 6th or the 16th, and I always have to think which one's which?
Speaker 2:yeah.
Speaker 1:I have to think about how old I am, it's just.
Speaker 2:I'm really turning into my mother after 34 yeah.
Speaker 1:I have no idea, but anyway he's. My son said to me today he's turning 11 and he said if my husband wasn't working today, and he, him and my sister, my mom, took them to like a trampoline park because they love doing all that. But I had to work and my son turned to me and he said mum, are you even going to come to my birthday party? And I went yes, of course I'm coming to your birthday party. But the fact that it was even in his head that I might not come to his birthday party, it was just like a dagger to the heart. And I know it's because he they're all doing something fun today and you know dad's going as well and I'm not going and I'm normally the one that's always present because I haven't been as present this holiday for him to kind of actually voice it it's the first time I've been a non-present parent and that was really hard to hear that's, but you've just hit the nail on the head, though.
Speaker 2:It's because, uh, prior to this, you probably spent way more time. Yes, and this you've probably spent way more time. Yes, and this summer you haven't been able to because you're building an empire. So he's just it's changed for him. That doesn't mean you don't not spend enough time with your children, it just means it's just changed a bit.
Speaker 1:Yeah, thanks, jen Needed that Because honestly, I was getting like wob, like wobbly. So my husband earlier and I was like a woman said to me.
Speaker 2:I'm trying to remember. A woman said something to me the other day and it was really similar and she was like it was an absolute dagger to the heart. I can't remember I cannot get that forward in my brain right now what she said, but it was along the same lines and she was like you know, it really wounded me and stuff, and I was just like it's just that that kind of comment only comes because something has changed. There's a difference somewhere.
Speaker 2:If you were always so, like for my sister example I know I use her as an example all the fucking time, but she's a good example she has always had to consistently work the hour, long hours, you know, and so has her husband and you know. So their kids probably don't get as much time of her as your kids get of you, but it's been consistent for her. So I don't think her kids would turn around and say something like that they probably feel that they get loads of their mum, whereas your situation might have changed a bit, and then they can sense a change in how much time they're seeing you. It doesn't mean that you should feel bad, it's just that the circumstances have changed for a bit, but at least he's of an age where you can explain it to him and he could voice it to you and then you can explain to him what you're doing.
Speaker 2:And I think if I said to my nephew he's about the same age, you know, does it ever bother you that your mum works all the time? I think he'd just be like yeah, but she's saving people, like she's, she's doing really important work. Because they talk about that, you know, like yeah, because obviously they feel the weight of that they're, they're off. You know, my sister will often say to me you know, it is on the go all the time, like right, you've got so much to go to this, you've got to do this and we've got that, and then it's this. And she said everything is 100 miles an hour. It has to be because that's the only way we can keep going.
Speaker 2:And I and I had we lived with them for a bit and I remember, you know they get home from work and instead of seeing the washing up and they're doing the laundry, they need to doing all the jobs around the house. They think stop that and they go and chill out with their kids. So they're like, you know, they come back from this job that is so mentally and physically draining and they're straight into doing jigsaw puzzles or listening to the other one read, listening to some piano stuff, doing this, doing that, and then they'll be up at 11 o'clock at night hanging laundry up and something like the kitchen, because they prioritize that period of time.
Speaker 2:So every evening, for like an hour, their kids have solidly got their parents attention and I was you know, and she was like oh, you know, I'm always rushing and do I spend enough time and I'm getting the balance, and she always feels that she's not. But I was like you are yeah like you are. You are good, I think, if you can sit down and focus all your attention, you know, not have your phone near you, nothing like that. No distractions for like 20 minutes solid play with your kids.
Speaker 1:You're doing well yeah, you're so true, it's so right. You know what I thought then, even as you said that, I saw a post a while ago and it was. It was a really clever reel a woman had made. She had really young kids, and the first part of the reel was like from her perspective and it was going through her day, what she was doing with her baby and where her head was at, like feeling I've got so much stuff to do, this, that and the other like showing what she was doing at each point of the day with the baby and where her mind was at. And then it showed the same exact sequence of events from her baby's point of view and it showed her mum laughing with her over something like doing a jigsaw puzzle. And that was really nice because even like, even though I don't feel that I'm because you know what I think I get triggered by being present with my kids.
Speaker 1:That time I think it actually triggers me Because we're humans, we have jobs, we have families to look after. We can't be 100% present for our children all the time. I think it comes in small, fleeting moments. That's what I've started to realize for myself, so I can still be there with my daughter doing a puzzle, which I can't fucking stand because I've done it 932 times. But I can still be there doing that with her, even though I feel like I'm not present, because I have to think about something else that needs doing in five minutes. Or the cat's just done a shit on the carpet and my husband's shouting for something else. The other one needs their bum wiping, you know. But I'm still doing a puzzle with her, even if it's for five minutes and the thing is, you don't have to enjoy play all the time no, you don't, because I don't, I don't enjoy playing.
Speaker 2:No, I don't enjoy playing, but and also this, this saying of well, they're only young ones can fuck off because all that saying does is makes people parents feel guilty for not enjoying that play all the time, or that desperation to have space, the um need for silence, the need for time for themselves, the guilt that they have to work or want to work. Yeah, that it it almost every time you go. Oh, fuck this really hard. People go. Well, they're only young once, fuck off.
Speaker 2:Yeah, with that statement, I'm well aware they're young once and you know, I sometimes, you know, when there is sleep, I will go in and watch them sleep and stand over them and just have that as a moment of time actually to really drink them in. And I stand there, sometimes, you know, sort of snuggled in whoever's on the bottom bunk, and I'll just stroke the hair and I'll just lie there for about five minutes and just drink them in and just stare at them. You know, and because of that sort of trying to just absorb them in those moments, at the end of the day because in the day sometimes I want to drop, kick them across the lawn can't help it that's how I feel sometimes sometimes you just, you are only human and everyone's situation is so different and everyone's children are so different.
Speaker 2:If you my friend's got kids with like autism and stuff and he's a great kid he's this awesome kid and I adore him. But if I had to deal with his behaviors day in, day out, yeah with other another two children. I don't know how she does it so her situation is way harder than my situation but, then I'll meet other people whose kids are so much more chilled than mine, you know.
Speaker 2:So, people who go oh, I don't know what you're talking about. I just said well, you, of course you don't, because you're not in my life perhaps you don't have the?
Speaker 2:um financial stress, that some people have got, the relationship stress, um, maybe you've got more help from parents or siblings. Everyone's situation is so different and is it incomparable? It is incomparable, isn't it? Yeah, that's the word. Yeah, incomparable that you can't just make fleeting statements like that that people do. When people say I'm having a really shit hard time, the last thing that you need is oh well, you know, everyone's got it hard, yeah that doesn't help and that's not you going.
Speaker 2:I regret this, or you know, I've seen some. There's a. There's a, a woman I follow. I think it's called diary of an honest mum.
Speaker 1:I think she's american oh yeah, do you follow her? I think so she's, she's great.
Speaker 2:She, I think, had postnatal depression or depression or she's something like that. But she talks a lot about how hard she finds parenting and how much of a shift that created in her life becoming a mum. Um, in a way that I can't relate to. I didn't feel that in the way that she has discussed, but that doesn't mean that's me going oh, what's wrong with you?
Speaker 2:it's just, yeah, it's really hard for you, yeah, and she put up a post the other day and she screen grabbed a comment from it and she was basically just saying parents sing hard or something. Oh, that was it. She was planning a kid's birthday party and she was like, oh my god, like the mental load of a birthday party and how draining it is. And someone had put like, well then, why did you have kids? But she screenshotted and she put a reel up of it and she was. She said something oh then why did you have more, or something. If you find it so hard, why did you have more than one? It's just some stupid comment, yeah, and she's just like when things are hard, like if someone was studying for a degree and someone goes this is hard, would you ever go?
Speaker 1:oh, well, stop.
Speaker 2:Oh, that's a good analogy, I like that so she did all these analogies of like you know this. Would you say, stop like yeah, why is it? When a mother says this is really hard, people are like, well, what's your problem?
Speaker 1:people have real ownership over that opinion, don't they? Yeah, why did you have comments everywhere? Why did you have kids? We're gonna moan about them. Yeah. Where's the logic in that statement? Yeah why?
Speaker 2:why are you not allowed? You know, we talk so much about mental health. Now, mental health is this huge thing that we want to be so much kinder and accepting people. So when people do and I mean women more on support, I follow. Yeah, women say I see more women saying I'm finding this hard, and there will always be women just being like oh, I don't know what you're talking about. I love being a mum and I'm like what. You love it 24, 7. You love it when they're like hitting you on the head with a plastic hammer or they won't sleep yeah they won't sleep.
Speaker 2:So you haven't slept. You know you. You can't love parenting 24 7. No, because it's too hard.
Speaker 2:You will always love being a parent, but parenting yeah that is the distinction, yeah but interestingly, I put a reel up today and someone made a comment about underneath it was basically this woman going, being a mum shouldn't change your life, it hasn't changed my life or something. And then I did a joke sort of finishing thing of it and someone put in the comments like oh, you always make me laugh because you put a very honest spin on it, but in a jokey way. And she said you know, I'm 34, I know I want to have kids, but I'm not ready to have kids. But I know there's a big clicking clocking picking clock over me. And she said but it's so interesting that pretty much all my friends have said nothing has to change if you become a mum. And I was like everything changes your relationship, your finances, your body, your hair, your career, everything. Yeah, changes.
Speaker 1:Who's saying this to her? Do they have kids?
Speaker 2:yeah, and a woman wrote underneath it. So there's a thread of comments and one woman wrote underneath it and she was like you know, I'm a mother of disabled children and she's, and she was like you know, I do sometimes think I wish I hadn't chosen to become a parent. And she said, and um, that's a conversation that no one's having, but people are feeling very deeply. But I think she's got from what she wrote. I think her children are very heavily disabled. She was like, if I could, if I'd have known, yeah, what this was going to be for me with this, I wouldn't have had children.
Speaker 1:And I can only imagine what that's like when you have heavily disabled children, though the toll it takes on you everything stress yeah, who looks after them when you die like that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, huge one. And and I thought that's really, I was like, first of all, that was really brave of you to share. Yeah, say out out loud. But also, you're so right, that isn't a conversation I've ever really heard people have.
Speaker 1:You're not allowed to say things like that. Can you imagine the backlash? Can you imagine the backlash?
Speaker 2:But there are women right now, you know, sat there going I can't do this, yeah. And when I was a nurse, I had to do a stent in a women's health clinic which was abortions. It was very, very varying circumstances.
Speaker 2:You know, you had some people who were there for, like, their third termination because they're using it as a contraceptive right yeah, and then you've got women who good, I'm studying, I can't do this right now, the relationship's not strong, whatever their reason, right? And the woman I was working with the nurse, her she was like this for everyone. The way she treated people didn't change for anyone through the door and I thought she was very harsh.
Speaker 2:I am a I'm a softy, so I always want to just, you know, hold their hand, almost hug them, because some of these women were like screaming for someone just to hold their hand and to not feel judged. And I found her quite critical in the way that she and a woman walked in and she sat down and she was maybe 38 or something like that and she was clearly devastated to find herself in the position that she was. And she was very upset and said, um, I never thought I'd be here, but I have two very disabled children and I have been told that if I have any more, they will be disabled. And her husband had had the SNP and it hadn't worked. So she was pregnant again. Wow yeah, and the nurse just didn't soften. She didn't soften.
Speaker 2:And this woman was crying and I ended up moving my chair and going to sit next to her because I couldn't bear it, but I really felt for her, and you know that was a decision that's going to live with her forever and it was really really hard, yeah, and then afterwards the nurse.
Speaker 2:The nurse looked at me and she went you don't think I deal with this very well, do you? I must have been looking at her like you, and I said I said I, I, I don't know. And I said I know you do this day in, day out. But I said that woman needed a hug, she needed support, and she said that you have to treat people the same and I was like no, you don't. You don't, different people need different things.
Speaker 1:I get treated in the same. In there's no judgment yeah yeah, surely, as a nurse, though, part of your job description is caring emotionally for your patients, I think why get reading the?
Speaker 2:room, yeah, reading the room. What does this person need from me right now? Yeah, some people they do not want. You know, they would have been like I do not want to talk about something. I want your sympathy, I don't know. Yeah, you can read that energy of people quite quickly, but this woman needed someone to just go. It's okay, like it's okay. And she didn't get that and I was like no, I said if I was in that I would have.
Speaker 2:I said I'm being really honest, you've asked me, so I'm going to tell you I felt judged and criticized and she clearly was already in a terrible place and I feel you didn't. She needed you to make her feel better and you didn't. And and you might think that's not part- of your job but I felt that it is part of my job to make anyone do you know?
Speaker 1:what I feel this feeds into is the whole societal concept of that. We can't talk about things like this. The fact that you're going through something like that and you can't even feel supported by the person who's supposed to be physically helping you with this process, it just feeds into that. But again, we can't talk about this shit, and I think it's just so. It's horrible. I think it's awful that women can't be supported in these ways emotionally, not just physically and and the thing is that's one experience of it.
Speaker 2:I'm sure there are lots of nurses who work in those type of clinics who would listen to that and go, oh God, no, that's not how I would deal with that. So I would say as a whole, the majority of nurses I've ever worked with are very warm, very comforting.
Speaker 1:That's what they're supposed to be Warm hugs, yeah.
Speaker 2:Warm hugs, a warm hug as a person, warm hugs which is. It is to me how it should be, but um, yeah, so sorry that just veered us off slightly, but I thought that that comment today, I thought there is a con. That's a conversation that needs to happen you know and I thought good for you for saying that.
Speaker 2:So you know, when we feel ourselves that we can't say, oh, I'm finding this hard and the thing is as well. People sometimes come from the angle of oh god, all you ever do is complain about being a parent. It's a bit like a relationship. You, if you were going out for dinner with girlfriends, you're not going to sit there going. Oh, my relationship is so good. My husband is the best bloke in the world, you know.
Speaker 2:It's because you normally need to offload, yes, your friends and go yeah this happened the other day and it's not you necessarily bashing your partner, it's you going. Am I being reasonable? So how many?
Speaker 3:times you start that am I being reasonable?
Speaker 2:How many times do you start that? Am I being unreasonable in this situation? But I felt like this, and sometimes a girlfriend will go. I'm not sure. I'm not sure you know, and that's why sometimes it's so important. So it's the same with parenting. If you turn up and constantly on social media are going, I just love parenting. It's the best thing in the world. I just love being a mum all the time. Love parenting. It's the best thing in the world.
Speaker 1:I just love being a mum all the time, you know?
Speaker 2:yeah, because nothing is like that all the time. Everything's hard at times.
Speaker 1:I think the thing for me that's helped with the whole mum guilt and it all I think always for me anyway always comes back to I don't feel I've been present enough with the kids, because a rule I used to follow when they were much younger was committing to floor time. So 20 minutes of just getting down on the floor, yeah, and you know hardcore, my attention's on you. But then when I started working more, it just becomes harder. You get school and nursery and everything else in between and I found that what worked for me and you touched on it before, but it was the tiny moments, like you're saying you're watching them when they're asleep. I have similar things where I I've given up the big expectations, like you. You know when you plan a really nice day out and you expect it to be magical and it never fucking is.
Speaker 1:It's always a shit show. But for me, being present is the really tiny moment. I had one today where I was sat on the sofa and my six-year-old boy just kind of walked in and he just had this funny expression on his face. He'd been talking to his big brother about something Fortnite related, most likely, and he just had this little look on his face and it was just a moment where I could look at him for a split second and it was just like a hug from my heart. You know tiny moment. And then he was gone. I even started to say something nice to him and he'd gone. Tiny moment, and then he was gone.
Speaker 1:I even started to say something nice to him and he'd gone. I even I said I was, I literally I said Ted, yeah, and I said you're so handsome, and literally even halfway through the word handsome, he was just like what? And he was at the other room. You know, one of those moments I was like okay, okay, bye, love you, and it's just. It's these tiny moments of appreciation I find for me help, but the thing is these big days out and stuff like that for you, for me, for the parents you do sometimes go fucking hell.
Speaker 2:That was just. It sucked the life out of me. Yeah, the kids will look back and go. We did so much together. They won't remember, because we probably swallow a lot of our tension. That's why we feel so drained, because we're trying to. You know, can you not do that? Can you? Could you just put that back? No, no, no, we can't get that from the shop, like no, we can't have a light for the hundredth time. That's the bit that drains the motherfucking life out of you. Yeah, and then you, you might shout when you really just have got nothing left in the tank and you might think, oh, today's been a shit show, but for the kids, yeah, they've had a brilliant day.
Speaker 2:Yeah they've had the best day ever. They don't. I think we shield them a lot more from how we are really feeling than we realize and we, you know, say to our partners so, like the other week, we went glamping and it was raining and I was really sleep deprived and you know, we're at a farm park and I've been hanging out with my kids now for six weeks pretty much straight and I'm done, like I'm done.
Speaker 2:And I remember saying to my husband I was like I feel really bad but I'm not enjoying myself, like I'm not loving this, and he was like okay, that's fine, like you sit here. And then he was like I'll take the kids back to the tent. You sit and chill here for however long you need. So I did. I just sat on my own for half an hour and I was like I try to think why am I not what am I not loving him? I was like it's, try to think, why am I not? What am I not loving here? And I was like it's because I've hung around with them for too long, that if this was half term and we'd gone glamping, I'd be loving every second of this.
Speaker 2:But I think I was just like I'm just, I think, need a bit of time for myself. I just haven't, you know, done a lot for me. And, let's face it, farm parks are fun for a bit, but farm parks are fun for a bit, but in the rain, when you're not sleeping, it's not, you're not living your best life. But also, um, another thing talking about you know you're saying about being present. Um, I, well rich, and I, my husband, our son, was having a few issues at school last term and we tried to do this thing where we would do a reward, but I didn't want the reward to be food related um or financially, like get a toy, you know crap in the house.
Speaker 2:And so the reward was 10 minutes unlimited play with whoever he wants, doing whatever he wants. Oh, I love that. Yeah, so, and that is just before bed. So pajamas, teeth done, everyone's out of way, ready for bed. And then we would say to him, who do you want to play with? And he'd always say everyone, and then what do you want to play? And then it would be like I want us to play a board game or I want us to do some coloring together, and obviously our daughter loves it because she's like, yeah, sweet. And then we just thought his behavior, it was just a blip. But then his he pulled out because he was, you know, reception, lots of change going on and then um, and then we stopped doing it because his behavior had improved.
Speaker 2:And then my husband said the other day we all enjoyed that, we all got something from that. You know, we, we left putting them to bed going. That was really nice we've all had. No one was arguing, no one was bickering, everyone just engaged for 10 minutes having a really nice time as a family, just before they go to bed. And he was like so they go to bed really happy and we walk away going. We've just had a nice time with our children, and so we've tried now to make that just part of the routine. That's lush, that's really good, yeah.
Speaker 2:So then if you do feel like you know for you, for example, on days where you have just had to work and you have just had to throw snacks at them and you haven't been able to be as present as you would have liked to, or maybe you didn't want to be very present because you've just hit brick wall and your emotion you know you've got nothing left in the tank just by doing that at the end of the day, just makes you go. Okay, I've done that, and also just remembering that our parents did not do this to themselves my mum was a stay-at-home mum.
Speaker 2:She didn't fucking get on the floor with me for 20 minutes, mate, like she didn't do it. And I don't. I have no trauma from that. I still think I've got the best mum in the whole world, but they didn't do that. They weren't doing it. You know they were kicking. My mum used to lock us out in the garden, so just out. She would just be like out outside. I'm done out all of you. I've had to put the noise and you know, with boredom breeds creativity, yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's so true, so true.
Speaker 2:My sister and I ended up starting a girl band.
Speaker 1:We just went off. Was there a name?
Speaker 3:The Daffodil Girls.
Speaker 1:The Daffodil.
Speaker 2:Girls, daffodil Girls. Oh, I remember all the songs we wrote yeah. I actually, if she hears that, she'll be like that you wrote, I wrote ones. Let's be honest, I was actually kicked out of the girl band. My neighbour Laura was in it. I was destined to be in it, but I was the uncle sister so I was ditched. Um, so I made I made my own band. Um, I went solo and I spent a whole day writing a song and it was I feel we've got to have a little snippet of this song.
Speaker 2:Jen, you also need to understand that I am incredibly tone deaf, but we did this as a performance for the neighbours and my parents, so you know. But we lived in the middle of nowhere, so there was like five people but we handed out canapes and everything. Nice, what were the canapes? Do you remember what?
Speaker 2:the canapes were God knows God knows, probably like a bit of rye vitae with a bit of hummus on the end. Yeah, we didn't have snacks growing up. My mum was always like have some rye vita if you're hungry um, my mum was a big rye vita woman.
Speaker 1:I remember that as a kid, I think it was like low calorie like kind of I don't know.
Speaker 2:I love rye vita as well, bit of rye, vita and hummus and then we did this performance, so I went to an all-girls school. I mean, I was young, I can't remember it. Now my sister knows it. It's like tonight there's tonight, there's gonna tonight there's gonna be a party.
Speaker 3:There's gonna be a lot of boys.
Speaker 2:I wonder which one's mine, I wonder which one's mine. Bring, bring, bring, bring it's Alice.
Speaker 3:She said don't get ready for the party. I said why she? She said there's nobody tonight.
Speaker 2:For my sister. This was hers.
Speaker 3:As I looked into the stars that I shine, I saw the boy that used to be mine. He looked so good and he looked so fine. I wish that he could still be mine. So shine, shine your love straight to my heart.
Speaker 2:I've always needed your love right from the start and there's like three verses. That's like an s club track.
Speaker 1:That's really it, not that yours wasn't so at the gig, at the concert yeah, she and laura did that?
Speaker 2:bring, bring, bring bring. They were my backing dancers. I think there's photos somewhere.
Speaker 1:Oh, you've got to take it up now?
Speaker 2:so yeah, this is what we did. Mum locked us out yeah and I could have been. It could have been s club eight I think, I think it could have.
Speaker 1:Jen really could have been.
Speaker 2:I mean that song your sister wrote honestly that was deep club song yeah, it was deep, and she plays the piano and sings at the same time oh like I know, sickening awful, she's awful terrible really
Speaker 1:you know what I thought earlier? Were you talking about camping? I had a camping experience this summer too, jen, and I have finally given up camping. Have you made a decision? I've made a decision after this summer, I'm done. No one needs me there. I don't enjoy it. I I like camping if it's like perfect conditions, but it never fucking is in the UK and we were doing it in Scotland. So my in-laws are Scottish, they live in Scotland, they're on the border, it's beautiful part of the country and we were there. It must have been two summers ago. We were there for a while because there was a transition between moving out of our rental, moving into our house we were buying, so we were homeless for a while when I lived there for a couple of weeks and it was just like glorious weather, absolutely amazing.
Speaker 3:Scotland's beautiful as is anywhere in the UK. No, but.
Speaker 1:Scotland is exceptional. Yeah, it really is exceptional. But my mother-in-law booked us in for two nights camping. Well, funny thing is she didn't actually book me in. She was like, jenna, you stay at home with me and we'll drink champagne, and Colin her husband, my husband and the kids could go camping. And I was like, oh, oh, that sounds quite nice, um, but then that part of me kind of creeps in, probably the mum guilt part of me, like no, I should be there. I want to experience, you know, time with the kids and all this stuff. So I went, I forwent the champagne in a nice quiet house and a bed to myself and it was just, it's just peeing down, you know how many nights was this?
Speaker 1:only two, but I didn't even do the two nights. I decided after the first night I'm not doing this, I'm going home. Because the kids all had like, not like camping sleeping bag. You know the kind of sleeping bag you take to a kid's sleepover like. They're like duvets but a sleeping bag, and they were really warm. The kids were like so toasty.
Speaker 1:Well, I had a camping sleeping bag and I was freezing my tits off. It was pissing with rain. The tent was leaking my husband, bless him when he got in, because we borrowed a tent from someone. So me and the three kids were in like the bedroom bit and my husband was in like the living area bit. Do you know what I mean when you go out? And that was the bit that was leaking and he ended up switching. He's like have my sleeping bag because it's better, I'll have this one. I was like no, because you'll be cold. He was like Jenna, take the fucking sleeping bag, because when you're tired and cold and have no sleep, you're useless, whereas I can get on with shit. And I was like thank you for pointing that out. But yes, you're right. So that was fine. I managed to get to sleep but, bless him, he was literally like shivering all night trying to sleep.
Speaker 1:My father-in-law was in a single tent next to us freezing his ass off and I was like you know what? This is shit, I'm going home. Oh, and I also had a stomach bug which my mother-in-law had basically shoved some imodium down me. Just deal with it, you'll be fine. Scottish mentality, you know. My mum would be like oh, go to bed, don't want to bring you some soup, crackers, kind of stuff. It's like no, get on with it, kind of shit. I came home, but younger two kids were like oh, no, I want to stay with mummy. So they came home with me. The second night my eldest stayed with my husband and my father-in-law and that night he was sick all over the tent, all over the tent, and I was like you know what. That's gracious, because if I hadn't come home he would have been sick all over us and I would not have been fun to be around.
Speaker 2:You know what I've given up on? What Family swims? I'm not fucking doing it. You, I'm not doing it.
Speaker 1:The last one, I went on. Is it the changing room scenario?
Speaker 2:It's the changing rooms, it's the pool. The last time I went in that swimming pool it smelled like dog water and it's freezing, and I'm always with my youngest, who likes to stay in the beach area, which where you just get splashed constantly oh, like with the spinny, like skinny things and buckets that occasionally just could plunk and and he, you know, wants to just jump and splash at me not splashing like that, but he just wants to.
Speaker 2:You know, and I'd say my husband's always like should we do a family swim because the kids love it?
Speaker 2:they love it and I love the fact they love water, because I love water. I just don't like that swimming pool and, um, and I'm always there going. And then the last one and he was like they love it, come on, come on. So I got in and then I just went up to him with our son and I went, um, I'm getting out. And he just looked at me and went, okay, and I went and I am never getting in again and because I was doing this.
Speaker 2:You know, the kid, our son, was splat, you know, and I was going like this, like I was really I'm not good with germs yeah the germ foam and you always see like an old plaster on the floor somewhere, don't you the? The smell of the water, the amount of kids that were in that water, I was like this isn't good and I could just feel my skin start to itch and normally my husband would sort of be like just get on with it.
Speaker 2:But he just went, okay, he saw something there, yeah and he knows I'm then in silence until I get home. And I was just in silence until I got home and like scrubbed myself and then I got out and he was like, okay, I'm never going to ask you to do a family swim again.
Speaker 1:That's exactly what happened basically with me camping this year. It was like my husband was like yeah, okay, you're not camping anymore.
Speaker 2:I'm not going to ask you Because you know, growing up I love camping. I still love camping. My dad took us on his own because my mum hated it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm hearing this more and more. That's fine when the dads just do it. Do you follow Father of Daughters? No, but I know who you're talking about, because he does. He takes his four girls he's got two twins and two older girls and he just takes them every. He takes his four girls. He's got two twins and two older girls and he just takes them every year on his own and they have the best fucking time and it is the wife doesn't go because and it's exactly like me it's a sleepless night and the mess. That's what it is. For me it's just mess, no sleep, the rain can't deal with it, but it's like she just doesn't go.
Speaker 2:I'm like you know what I'm not gonna make myself go every year when I hate it and also because if you're miserable, even with the best one in the world, we'll rub off on. Your husband is probably, like you know, like oh she wasn't here. Really it would if you weren't here. It would almost be easier because I could just crack on and I think it is really nice for children to have a thing that they do with like their parents. So I really fondly remember my dad taking us camping and I never, thought.
Speaker 2:I never thought of it as mum didn't want to go. I always thought dad just really wanted time with us. That's the way I always thought of it. And now I'm an adult I was probably mum was probably just one day going. I'm not fucking doing it.
Speaker 2:I hate it. I hate it, whereas you know mum's strengths are loads of other things as a parent. But you know dad didn't, you know wasn't as good as and that's fine, that's. But you know we all have our thing that we are good at. So I'm really good at, you know, uh, doing like the messy play and doing are you?
Speaker 2:yeah, because I don't mind that, so I can deal with mess. Where's my husband OCD, as soon as he sees that I've started baking with the kids. He's like I'm just gonna go for a walk or any kind of play like that. He's like I'm just gonna, so I'll make playdoh with them and stuff like that. And just because I hate normal play-doh you make play-doh.
Speaker 1:Yeah, how do you make? Not often jenna let's, how do you?
Speaker 2:make it. It's so easy. It's like loads of salt flour, warm water and then I think is it bicarb or something like that, and then food dye. Yeah, it's the most pleasing play-doh.
Speaker 1:See that that sounds quite simple.
Speaker 2:I don't mind the sound of that it's so simple and the kids love it because obviously yeah, they get to make it and then they get to play with it, yeah, hours after. So it's actually a really great rainy day activity. But my husband's like this, so you know, he does the family swim and I do the messy play, and that's fine yeah, that's, that's good.
Speaker 1:I think it's good to just go next time I'm gonna drink champagne with my mother-in-law I think I really am. Yeah, fuck it. I just say I'm done, it's like it. Just it's taken me so many years, but I'm like I'm done. I can't do this anymore.
Speaker 2:So you can say you know, and the thing is as well, your husband comes back, he then needs to go. I need to hand over to you yeah go. Yep, I'm refreshed, I'm ready to go, like yeah, and then he can just go and soak in a hot bath somewhere and you know whereas, if you both come back and you're both feeling like, yeah, you're then trying so hard not to get yeah for each other.
Speaker 2:You've both got to just head down and keep going until everyone's in bed, so sometimes it's better that one just takes it for the team and then the other one's strong and ready yeah you're so right.
Speaker 1:You know what was really funny though? Because I said I had the sick vibe, which I got just plugged up with a modium so it all just stayed in me. And then my eldest was sick the second night, vomited everywhere. It had been passing through the kids, so my younger two had had it just before we went to Scotland and my six-year-old. Do you sometimes have it with your kids like if it's unexpected? They kind of panic, like my daughter just owns it, she's so like she doesn't care, it doesn't affect her. She's like I've been sick, I'm done, I'm fine. But my son, the six-year-old, like and I think I was like that I don't like being sick, it's very upsetting, it's not nice, it hurts a bit. And he kind of went into that, that panic the first time he did it and he get it's upsetting. You know it burns, it's uncomfortable, bloody, blah, dealt with that.
Speaker 1:I was there for the first time. He was sick, but then I thought it was all done and then went downstairs. I sat downstairs. I could just hear very rapid footsteps upstairs. I was like oh no, quickly, ran, bless him. He ran to the bathroom like I said try to if it happens again. Um, sick on the floor of the bathroom and we've got like old floorboards so there's no getting them out, like in between the floorboards, you know. And then he panicked, tried to come to me, stood top of the stairs, full carpet down the stairs, projectile, vomited all down the stairs, every single step, the walls, and I was dealing with him and I was like, come on, come deal with the sick while I deal with teddy, and he's got that real visceral reaction to sick so I really enjoy watching people react.
Speaker 3:So funny.
Speaker 1:I could just hear him scooping up these big chunks of sick and then my 10 year old comes up with the stairs. He's like, don't you be sick? Because I'll be sick. And they're both there just going what I feel like that's a scene from something
Speaker 1:it's a bit like a episode of bridesmaids I always feel it's like an out-of-body experience when everyone's got the sickness bug because it's just so uncontrollable you just got to head down and get on with it. Worst one was when my eldest was he must have been seven or so top bunk bed. I was heavily pregnant with my youngest and he leant. It was the middle of the night, three in the morning he lent over his bunk bed and was sick on the floor. So it splattered everywhere and this went like in between drawers and things like that. So you could just you know, you just can't get it out, no matter how much you clean it, and the room smelled for sick for about a year and I was like it was just awful.
Speaker 2:So our daughter was ill the other day but she just had a fever, but she just she's so stoic, she's hardcore. I was like I don't know, you're not very well, it's just like I'm fine, I'm fine. I was like you're really red hot though, daddy, I'm fine. Do you want to lie down? No, I want to play football. I really think you should lie down, I'm fine. And then, like playing football, she's like oh bless her, you're on fire. You need to lie down.
Speaker 1:No are you like that?
Speaker 2:my husband would say no, but I think I, uh, I think I am a get on with it girl. Yeah, in general, but I think that's just the way I was raised. Yeah, get on with it. Stop complaining, get on with it. Yeah, what's your husband like? Well, when he's ill, to be fair to him, he just is really ill. You know, if he gets a fever, he really has got a fever.
Speaker 2:His brother's exactly the same. Actually, like when they get ill, they're really unwell, to be fair to him, but he, because we're both self-employed, you, I think, you just, yeah, you just can't switch you do just crack on and you do, just keep going um.
Speaker 2:But yeah, I think I'm quite tolerant of pain and I'm quite tolerant of illness and I think from being a nurse, um, you really do just get on with it. I remember dragging my ass to work, yeah, because you're like, if I don't turn up, you dreaded the idea of calling the ward and saying you're ill, you're not coming in because people would like. She seemed fine yesterday, do?
Speaker 1:you know what I mean yeah and not that people would have.
Speaker 2:But you know, if you were fine the day before and suddenly you're calling in sick, there is an element of you going or people going to think I'm just putting a sickie, um, and you call in sick late, they're not going to get covered. So you do feel as though you are leaving people in the lurch, not only your patients, but your colleagues. So you would drag your ass in and then they'd take one look at you and go, go. Which better?
Speaker 2:that way I I preferred obviously not to compromise patients. I would never have come in with like, yeah, or a virus or something like that. But I mean, you know you, you did drag your ass in and I would have had to be sent home. I would never have really made that decision. And when I was in the military you had to go in front of a doctor, do you? Yeah? So when you live on barracks, that's fine because there is a military medical centre. So no matter how ill you are, at like eight o'clock in the morning, you've got to drag yourself out of bed present center. So no matter how ill you are, like eight o'clock in the morning, you've got to drag yourself out of bed present in front of go and see them the doctor to prove that you're ill or to be signed off, and then go back to bed, which is obviously not fun.
Speaker 2:But when I was had morning sickness, like really horrendous morning sickness- my boss, who was a complete bitch um, because I wasn't on a barracks, I just had a GP yeah, and so anytime I called up to say like I'm I can't drive a car, I'm that ill, she was like well, you better get to the GP surgery because you're not going no, not joking.
Speaker 2:And I was like I can't get the GP. And she was like well, you have to take an emergency appointment. So she made me take an emergency GP appointment, nhs, to just sit there and then they go well, you've got morning sickness, so why are you here? And I'd be like I know, but you need to write a note for my boss.
Speaker 2:My boss is a bitch and I need to ask the bitch and then I'd have to send that to her and then every day that I needed that. So I just didn't. And I remember being at work and I worked in when I was pregnant with our daughter. It was a really hot summer. I was 37 weeks pregnant and I worked on a burns unit and it was um. Burns units run hot because obviously you're dealing with skin loss so they've got to keep them hot. The clinic that I was working in you have to check the temperature every day and it was 32 degrees in my clinic. Oh my god. Yeah, because it was so hot outside so it shouldn't run at that temperature but it was there are no fans, no windows open, um.
Speaker 2:And so could you imagine, when you're feeling ill, yeah, dealing with an infected burn in 32 degrees. The smell, oh my god. Yeah, that was bad. So, yeah, I get on with it. I got yeah right.
Speaker 1:I'm gonna ask you, jen, you've managed to make it look like you've got the work-life balance pretty down. Do you have any, any words of wisdom for the work-mum-life balance for mums, especially through summer holidays?
Speaker 2:I think that it is very easy to see snippets of people's lives on Instagram and make a presumption, and I like to show the real side of things. You know and talk about the real side of things, but ultimately, I think you need to, as a parent, be kinder to yourself. We are a new generation of women who are I'm not saying our mothers didn't do it, but I do think that we are. This is a new thing where you've got both parents in most households juggling full-time careers, or one of you's on, you know, almost full time, and financially the heat is on.
Speaker 2:It's been very difficult for the average household and financial pressure puts pressure on everything. Yeah, I think it's so easy to look at someone else and go, but they're managing, so why am I not? Yeah, like we're all. You're probably doing a lot better than you realize. And if you think to yourself, if you have those questions of going god, have I spent enough time with my kid today? Am I doing enough? Am I this? The fact that you are asking yourself those questions would tell me that you absolutely are yeah that.
Speaker 2:That's an answer to your own question. The fact that you are thinking about that it's on your radar and you can only do your best and that is it. And you won't win every day. Some days you will get it wrong, you won't get the balance, but such is life and actually, if you paint to your kids this idea that there's a perfect life, then they're going to be in for a rude awakening because that isn't reality you know, relationships aren't.
Speaker 2:Marriage is hard, um, a career is hard, being a parent is hard. It's all kind of wonderful with the hard, but you are showing them I suppose this is real life. They're not going to get to 18 and go oh my god, what is this? Uh. And I think also debriefing with your partner, if you do, if you have had a particularly bad day, maybe you know you've been at home all day with the kids, like I have, and you've been a shouty mum and or a shouty dad, and you need to debrief with your partner or a family member. And just going, I feel like I've been really shouty and then to go okay, well, what was going on for you to be shouting and how, what did you do after?
Speaker 2:I think just being able to have those conversations very honest conversations with someone, um, is very healthy, because then you learn from things and, yeah, you might put things in place so that things like that don't happen again. And sometimes that putting in place might be that your partner says to you right, when I get home from work, you're just going to go for a walk for 30 minutes on your own, yeah, quiet, or go upstairs and read a book and I'm just gonna tap in. You know it's the ability to put your hands up and go. I need a bit of help sometimes as well yeah, I think that.
Speaker 1:I think that debriefing with your partner is really, really useful. I heard um who was it, brene Brown talking about it with her partner. I don't even know if it was kid related, but just generally, like they touch base the end of the day after work or their day or whatever, and they basically say what percentage can I show up at for the rest of the day?
Speaker 3:yes, yeah, we've seen that as well so good.
Speaker 1:I think that is so spot on. Yeah, say, if you're 80 and there are 20 like, yeah, I've got dinner, I've got this, or if you're both at 40, then you just lower your expectations for the rest of the day. You're like, right, we're getting a takeaway. Yeah, so good having a pizza in the oven. Because if you don't have that conversation, that's where, like, you snap at each other, resentment build and all the unnecessary friction comes in. You know, yeah, so just that. And also to communicate that with your kids.
Speaker 2:I realize you can't when they're really young, but I could turn around to my kids now at five and seven and say I am in a bad mood today. I just feel cross and I don't know why. And, um, you know. So I'm just letting you know that I'm not, I'm not in a great mood, I didn't or I didn't sleep very well, and sometimes that can make you feel cross. But um, so you know, just so you know where I'm at. So can we try and be very kind to each other? Can we try really hard to make good decisions? Yeah, kids are more. Is the word astute? Is that what I'm looking for? Intuitive?
Speaker 2:yeah, more intelligent than people give them credit for and just treating them with the intelligence that they deserve, sometimes just by saying to them I'm. I'm at this point today it's. I remember I've had my kids and I've heard them go, don't do that because mummy's tired. You know you communicate and that's also teaching them to say to me I, I'm cross.
Speaker 3:I'm angry.
Speaker 2:I feel angry.
Speaker 3:Well, why do you feel angry?
Speaker 2:I'm just angry, you know, and sort of saying, well, that's okay, I feel angry sometimes. And then you've got that you know, talking about feelings, and that it's okay to feel all those fears. You can't be happy all the time yeah, 100%.
Speaker 1:I try and do it as much as I can. It's like just trying to normalize having feelings. You know, because think about like, when I always try not to say like when they're crying, like it's okay, don't cry. I try I make myself not say that it's what, it's what you, what was said to us, it's what you want to say for a kid that's crying, isn't it? Yeah?
Speaker 2:it's like when they hurt themselves don't go, you're fine, you're fine, you're fine. Yeah, yeah, are you okay? Do you need a?
Speaker 1:cuddle. What do you need? Yeah, again, validation like that looks sore, are you okay kind of thing? Yeah, like again my daughter.
Speaker 2:She's fallen off her bike before and I thought, oh, that has got to have hurt and she's going. I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, and she goes to me. I'm brave, I'm brave, I'm like where have you got that from?
Speaker 1:yeah, that's it where she got it from where have you got that from?
Speaker 2:and I'm like, yeah, you can be brave, but things can still hurt, darling. Yeah, that's okay, you can still need a hug but, be brave, that doesn't make you weak. You know, yeah, I know I've said I don't, I don't like weakness, but I'm not there saying to my kids you're not weak, line them up military drill practice, let's go.
Speaker 1:I am soft as mush, just all right, jen, what is your advice to any guilt-ridden mum or dad at the end of summer holidays? I know it's a little bit tired one we've just spoken about, but just one little piece, one nugget for anyone that might just be feeling really guilt-ridden at the end of the summer holidays, for whatever reason that is I think you need to evaluate where that guilt comes from.
Speaker 2:What are you guilty of? What's made you feel guilty? What could you put in? Because I think it's all about the next bit. I think it is about evaluating what's happened. What made you feel like that? So, for example, for me, this summer holidays, I've learnt I don't need to be with my kids as much as I had. I should have put them into kids club more because I did this thing where I went. I can work from home, so I could have them at home and let them go on tablets for a bit, but then do something nice and then we'll go out for a walk and then they can watch a bit of tv and I can do work. That hasn't worked as well as, like in my head, I thought it would work, that's very easier said than done situation yeah, and actually it would have been better for everyone if I had just put them in kids club.
Speaker 2:I just smashed out all my chores, they went and had a lovely time, and then I pick them up and enjoy them for a couple of hours before bedtime.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I've learned from that and I think that if you are feeling guilty, it's looking over everything and going what was going on there that didn't work for us as a family, what wasn't working for me, what caused? What have the kids talked about that they struggled with, and then it's going right. Let's just find a solution so that we don't find ourselves here next holidays. You've got to move on from the guilt. You've just got to talk it out and find solutions. It's always what you do next. But if you just sit with that and mull over, just going, I'm a terrible person and you're never going to find a solution and then you'll find yourself in it again next time. Yeah, and it's also just give yourself a break. You know it's. It's hard to find the balance, it's hard to get things right. You're not going to get things right all the time and you have just got to let shit go yeah just let that shit go yeah, is that time for?
Speaker 2:yourself. You don't need to be with your kids all the time and you don't need to feel guilty about that. But in the summer holidays you don't get much time for yourself you are either like working or you're with your kids a lot. Also, if you've got a very demanding job which I don't you know, but I have had and it can take its toll give yourself a break. We are a new generation of parents and we're just working it all out yeah, it's so true.
Speaker 1:We are a new generation of parents. There's a definite turning point where we are, I think. But yeah, I like that. Give yourself a break, guys. Let that shit go. Let that shit go Right, Jen. Go get yourself with a G&T and go deal with your crying child downstairs right now. I want you to watch TV with me. Oh yeah, I get that. Can I sit on you while I watch?
Speaker 2:tv. Why make a mummy sandwich? Yeah I'm actually going to put them to bed immediately with a meteor attack pleasure as always to chat to you again.
Speaker 1:I will speak to you soon. Thank you all so much for tuning in. If you enjoyed today's episode, please share with your friends and family to continue spreading that positivity. You can find me on instagram at the high vibe dot guide. Get in touch. I would love to hear from you. Thank you all so much for listening and I'll see you back here next time at the High Five Guide.