The High Vibe Guide

38. Happiness Blockers#2 - Negative Thoughts About Other People

• Jenna Miller • Season 1 • Episode 38

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Have you ever wondered how our negative thoughts about others could be quietly sabotaging our own happiness? Today I wanted to discuss how our judgements of other people often mirror our own unresolved issues and insecurities, and why letting go of negativity can pave the way for a more fulfilling and joyful life. Reflecting on my own journey, I reveal the importance of understanding over criticism, and how this shift has profoundly impacted my well-being.

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Speaker 1:

Welcome to the High Vibe Guide, the podcast where I demystify the concept of raising our vibration. I'm Jenna, a yoga teacher, mum of three and passionate advocate for helping others to just feel happier. Let me explain to you how we can all live more contented and fulfilled lives and how it's so much easier than you think. Hello, beautiful people, and welcome back to the High Vibe Guide. Beautiful people and welcome back to the High Vibe Guide. Today I want to go into another topic in my little mini series of happiness blockers, and today may be a little controversial. I'm not sure it may bring about some real questions about freedom of thought. The topic is negative thoughts about other people, possessing these in your mind. Now I've come to the belief that, even if you are mindful of using kind words and behaving respectfully towards others, I don't think it's always enough. Those silent judgments, the criticisms and the negative thoughts that we have about others can drag down our own energy and ultimately block more happiness from coming into our lives. Block more happiness from coming into our lives. So why do I think it's such a big deal? Let me break it down for you. Let me talk about the impact of negative thoughts about others on ourselves. So when we hold negative thoughts about someone else, whether it's about their behaviour, their choices or a situation they're in, what's really happening is that we are projecting our own unresolved issues onto them or onto the situation. Whatever we find irritating or triggering in someone else is often a mirror of something going on within us. It's rarely about the other person. This may not sit well when you first hear this, or you may disagree completely. I felt the exact same way too, but hear me out, because you see the qualities or the situations that provoke these negative thoughts in us. It usually reflects areas of our own life where we might feel insecure, unhappy or unfulfilled. Maybe maybe that person embodies something that we wish we had, or maybe they remind us of something we haven't healed within ourselves. And this is most likely happening all under the surface, extremely under the surface. So we may have these negative thoughts and opinions about someone, but we aren't a hundred% sure why we feel them so strongly. And then we just put it all on the other person and they're the reason for these thoughts in our heads.

Speaker 1:

But I have come to learn that negative thinking in these cases is essentially a projection of our inner struggles and therefore I think it is not our place to think negatively about others, and one big reason for this is that we never have the full picture. When we think negatively about others, we never have all the information. When we think negatively about others, we never have all the information as much as we think we do. I don't believe that you can truly walk a mile in someone else's shoes, because even if we think we understand their circumstances, we can never fully relate to another person Because we haven't lived their exact experiences or felt their exact emotions. The life they've led, the challenges they face and the thoughts they've had are entirely unique to them. So forming judgements or holding negative thoughts about others isn't only unfair, but it's fundamentally flawed. It's like trying to solve a puzzle with missing pieces. You will never get the full picture.

Speaker 1:

And when we can learn to acknowledge that, it becomes really crystal clear that we have no right to form negative opinions about someone else's life or their choices. And when this clicked for me, it completely changed my way of thinking about other people. And when you start to pay attention, there is always gossip around us, opinions and views being passed from person to person, and I'm actually in a place now when I might hear a piece of gossip about someone else, when the old me might have responded something like no way, how could that person do that? What a bitch, what an awful person. Can you even imagine doing something like that? Let's actually break down what's going on here, what you're actually doing here, because with this response you're instantly saying that you actually believe you're a better person than them, that if you were in that situation you would never behave the way they did. But, guys, the fact is, you can never put yourselves in their situation. You can never say I would never do that if I was them, because you aren't them and therefore it is not possible to live the life that they have lived without becoming that person. And you can't do that. You have absolutely no idea what this person's life looks like now, what it has looked like from start to finish, and you're completely unaware of all the thoughts, the beliefs, the feelings, the experiences this person has been through and has possessed. So how could you form a valid opinion on their actions? So now, when I'm in that situation and someone says God, you'll never guess what so-and-so has just done this, can you believe it?

Speaker 1:

I've somehow managed to come closer and closer to a much more compassionate place where my thoughts kind of go hmm, I wonder what's going on there. What might that person's life look like now, or have looked like at any time, which would lead to that decision or that situation? It's much more compassionate. It may sound much more removed, but it's not it, because it comes with compassion and a much more open-mindedness. I'm much more open to the fact that I do have zero right to judge, no matter how awful that thing may appear initially. And it's much harder to feel this way, especially when it's been directed at you, if someone said or acted in a horrible way towards you. And this, unfortunately, is how I managed to learn and I'll be perfectly honest, this is a topic I'm choosing to keep private on the high vibe guide for now, at least the details, as I've come to realize, I'm still actually healing from it. I still got a lot to unpack.

Speaker 1:

But to give you a very kind of brief, high level overview, quite some time ago I had a really horrible falling out with a friend, and this person was a really good friend at the time, one of my best friends and she had decided that she didn't like something I'd done. She didn't like the way I dealt with a specific situation, a tricky, delicate situation, but I was doing my best with the resources that I had available at the time and I'm more talking about my emotional resources, really but one day she suddenly exploded at me and said some very unkind things, the kind of things that you can't ever really take back. I think there's a level or a line, and that line will be different for everyone and different for every friendship or relationship, but once it's crossed it's extremely difficult to come back from, and for me that line was crossed, but unfortunately I didn't have the self-worth or self-esteem at that time to set proper boundaries. But I remember, after she had said these things to me, I remember saying how could you say that to me? How could you think that? And she responded with I'm allowed to have my own opinion. And I said something like, yeah, but you don't have the right to judge me in this way. And she said, yes, I do. I can have any opinion I like and I can judge you if I want to, and even though that's perfectly true, she has. I can judge you if I want to and even though that's perfectly true, she has the right to think anything she wants to.

Speaker 1:

But that was almost harder to hear for me than the awful things that she said initially, because it just felt so unfair. There was nothing I could do. I felt helpless and knowing that someone had these opinions of me, let alone someone who I considered a best friend, it just felt so unjust and she had no interest in hearing my side of things. The way she wanted the conversation to go was she felt she deserved to force her opinion and judgment upon me and I had to sit and listen and accept it. And I wasn't aware of this at the time. But that conversation that day cut out a huge chunk of my already pretty low self-esteem and it would shape a pretty miserable future for myself over the next few years.

Speaker 1:

And I mean I'm very happy to say right now that I'm in a very different place. I can look back on this situation now and I know that if I was in a healthier emotional place I would have behaved differently. I can understand why she said the things she did, but I know now that I don't accept them and I can see now, with the benefit of hindsight, a little bit more personal growth. I can see now that she looked at the facts in front of her, and she had then projected a lot of her own personal stuff onto me. Through them she had a very fixed mindset on the subject of what had happened and how I'd behaved and why I'd done the things I'd done, and to protect her own beliefs. This was the conversation she had to have with me.

Speaker 1:

Now, I didn't mean to digress quite so much there, but I just wanted to demonstrate that when you do have these really strong opinions or negative emotions about someone else and a situation, I can guarantee you it is never fully as it seems or as you think it seems. As it seems or as you think it seems, you will be tying up so much of your own stuff in there that you do not know about, and it's really unfair to project that onto someone else. It's the easier option, isn't it? But it doesn't mean that it's right. So remember, no matter how many details you have on a situation or what a person's done, no matter how well you know the person, no matter how involved you are in the situation or how close it may be, or how close you may be to the person or the situation, you will still never have the full picture and therefore will never possess the right to form a negative opinion about someone else.

Speaker 1:

But before I keep going down this rabbit hole, let's talk about what even possessing these negative thoughts, what effect this has on us? What does it do to us? When we have these negative thoughts in our brains? How does it affect the vibrational level that we operate on? So, if you think on an energetic level, negative thinking weighs us down, it lowers our vibration and it affects our mood, our complete outlook on life and our ability to manifest happiness.

Speaker 1:

Thoughts have power, and when we direct negative energy towards others, even if it's just in our own mind, we're not just impacting them, but we're also harming ourselves. So by holding on to judgment, resentment or criticism, we're essentially poisoning our own mindset. We block the flow of positive energy that brings us any peace and joy. So the more negativity that we, that we harbour, the less room there is for the good stuff, for the gratitude, the love, the compassion, both for ourselves and others. So how do we stop having negative thoughts about other people? How do we stop this cycle? But that's what it is. It's a cycle of negative thinking towards others. Our brain is a form of habits, remember and patterns that we've built over a lifetime.

Speaker 1:

Now I've had a think about how we can start to change this way of thinking and how I've done it over the last couple of years, and here are a few techniques to shift that mindset. First one as always, guys, it's awareness. Awareness is key. The first step is to notice when you are having a negative thought about someone else. Catch yourself in the moment and ask why am I thinking this? Is it really about them or is it reflecting something within me, something unresolved within me? Just shed some light, some awareness, to the thoughts and do it without any judgment. Okay, don't sit there thinking you're an awful person for having a bad thought about someone else. We're human. Just bring that little bit of awareness.

Speaker 1:

Number two practice compassion. Whenever you catch a negative thought, try to replace it with some compassion. Remind yourself that everyone is dealing with their own struggles and that we all have moments where we don't show up as our best selves, don't we? Let's face it. And when we choose compassion over judgment, we raise our own vibration. Next, shift the focus inward. So when you find yourself being critical of someone else, turn that reflection inwards. Ask yourself what is this situation teaching me about myself. This is a super powerful question to ask yourself, because in every negative thought we hold about someone else, there is always a lesson to be learned internally. It's not about the other person ever. Often you'll find that it's revealing an insecurity or a fear within you. Once you identify that, you can start to gently work with it.

Speaker 1:

Next one gratitude. Gratitude. Cultivate a mindset of gratitude by constantly thinking of something positive about that person or about the situation. And look, you don't have to agree with everything someone does of course you don't. When we focus on a positive trait, that can help dissolve the negativity, enables us to look at the bigger picture, enables us to get into that compassionate mindset. So, gratitude, think about something positive about the person that maybe you appreciate. And lastly, if you're really keen to get out of that mindset, if you have found once you've kind of kicked up that level of awareness, if you have found that you're having quite a few negative thoughts about other people, then maybe you'd like to try some mindfulness meditation, some mindfulness meditation, especially the kind of meditation where we practice loving kindness towards ourselves and to other people. A loving kindness meditation is a really powerful tool to shift your thinking because during these meditations, you're focusing on sending love and goodwill to others, and this trains our minds to see people in a more positive, compassionate light. Because if you're in the default of always looking at the negative in other people, that really means you're in a default of looking negatively inwards. It's your stuff reflected out. If you automatically look at the bad stuff in people first, it's a reflection on what's going on within you.

Speaker 1:

Okay, so why should you make the effort to stop these negative thoughts? Why does this benefit you of getting out of this mindset of holding negative opinions or thoughts about other people? Here is the beautiful part, guys when you let go of judgment and negative thinking, your mind becomes lighter and your mood lifts. And your mood lifts. You'll find that the space that once occupied all this negative energy it can now be filled with good stuff, with positivity, with gratitude and inner peace. And how nice is that, how much lovelier is that? So much nicer. And when you manage to stop projecting your issues onto others, you begin to heal those parts of yourself that need attention Because that's what this is really all about and, as a result, your own self-worth and happiness naturally increases. You'll feel less weighed down by comparison, by envy or judgment and you'll feel more aligned with joy, success and compassion. In fact, this mental shift is one of the biggest keys to unlocking long-term happiness, if you ask me.

Speaker 1:

But remember, we don't have the right or the full understanding to think negatively about others, no matter how trivial or seemingly impactful that thing might be. And I know that's really hard, especially if you've dealt with something directly from another person. I know that can be really hard. Trust me, I know how challenging it is. But all we're really doing is projecting our own unresolved issues. If you can tune into that part of you that knows your truth, you can look at someone, even if they are delivering the nastiest words to you. You can look at them and you can see it for what it is. It's not you In most part, it's probably their own issues they're projecting onto you.

Speaker 1:

So we need to get used to shifting our perspective to compassion and kindness, whether they're whether a person has done or said something or created a situation you don't agree with or they're directing something horrible towards you. If you can shift your perspective to compassion and kindness, we are lifting our own vibration and we're allowing ourselves to experience more happiness. Remember, happiness comes from within. We cannot place it on other people vibration and we're allowing ourselves to experience more happiness. Remember, happiness comes from within. We cannot place it on other people, and as you begin to let go of these negative thoughts, you will see just how much lighter, freer and more fulfilled you feel in your own life. You feel in your own life.

Speaker 1:

So that's my second little episode on happiness blockers. I'm kind of choosing them as they come, the ones that really resonate, and these two in this little mini series are the first two that have resonated the most with me, the ones that I feel make the most impact to my mindset and my daily happiness. If you have anything in particular you would like to talk about, as always, please get in touch with me. Maybe I can add them on to the mini series and discuss them in another episode. But thank you so much for joining me today on the High Vibe Guide.

Speaker 1:

I want to continue learning, to grow, to lift up myself and others and cultivate this mindset that serves my highest self, and that's exactly what I want to help you guys do too. So until next time, keep your vibration high and your heart open. Thanks, guys. Thank you all so much for tuning in. If you enjoyed today's episode, please share with your friends and family to continue spreading that positivity. You can find me on Instagram at thehighvibeguide. Get in touch. I would love to hear from you. Thank you all so much for listening and I'll see you back here next time at the High Vibe Guide.